I recently cleaned out my kitchen to prepare for painting (yes, by someone else – remember, that’s why God invented other people). My son Paul was helping me and came upon an appliance that was unfamiliar to him. When I told him it was an electric frying pan he asked why you would need an electric frying pan when you have an actual stove. I have to admit I was stuck for an answer. Aside from having been of the era where everyone got one at their bridal shower, and some sense of using it to achieve even temperature control, I couldn’t think of much justification.

During the purge, ancient Tupperware was flung with abandon into the recycle bin, along with a zillion jars that I was going to use “someday.”  Odd mismatched mugs were relegated to the basement without a thought. My garbage can smelled interesting from the contribution of clearly outdated herbs and spices I released from their containers.  I succeeded in discarding lids long divorced from their containers. I even was able to admit that certain utensils were past their prime, despite my best efforts with Brillo. I showed no mercy to hordes of tins, containers, and crazed dishes.

White shoe polish? And bluing – I had bluing!?  I keep my OTC medications in the kitchen and was alarmed to find that all of the diseases I had been prepared to treat would have handily defeated the out of date drugs on hand. And which of my friends was I planning to poison with all of that clearly stale cake decorating icing?  Who knew that those vinyl covered wire shelf organizers actually get sticky when they are old. Yes, I WAS going to eat steel cut oatmeal every day, but that was in 2006. All out.

But that electric frying pan – I don’t really cook much any more and mostly use the microwave. Still, that Farberware pan is actually beautiful in its way – little legs so it sits daintily raised from the counter, stainless steel still shiny, pleasantly round shaped pan and elegantly domed lid. I wonder, does it resent that I have left it to humiliating disuse? I could give it to Goodwill. I could keep it with the resolve that I would use it – but that would be lying to myself, and to it. And yet…

Paul is much better about throwing things out than I am, well my things anyway. I think there were probably things he didn’t even consult with me about before sending them to the object body bag, though I haven’t missed anything yet. But I am hereby giving strict instructions for future dispositions – do not touch the electric frying pan. Not only did it make the cut, it has achieved tenure.

” The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man

and ultimately defeat him.”  Russell Baker